After my "The Pain" Blog Post...

I never went to Canada. Meaning I never had to see Arthur. Meaning my heart was never swayed by my lingering memories.

There's a famous quote by Johnny Depp stating that if you love two people; choose the second, because if you really loved the first then you wouldn't have fallen for the second.

First intense love crush that only got as far as a good-bye hug was Arthur.
Second was Andrew; a sexy, romantic, and deeply intense love.

I can't even begin to think of going back to feeling something for Arthur. Andrew is just... Everything now. He's.... Just my everything.

I love Andrew so much. Soooo veryy veryyyy much. <3

I Wish I Was You...

My sister Ciera is going to have a baby with my guy she loves; Shayne. They both lived crappy lives that are haunted by meth and various other drugs. There was a sort of darkness i watched her roll around in that made my heart ache about her situation.

I always felt sorry for her. I lived a richer life; my father's side had more money, I did well in school, and I received more of my mother's love.

We both thought I had everything. For a while I thought I was content with what I had. I would go about my life making everyone happy and then I would go to college or a university and find a man and be happy. Or I would move to Korea. I had my whole life planned out ahead of me like a little map - all I had to do was follow the dots to happiness. 

I still chased after boys though, and I always felt sad being rejected. There were boys who liked me, but they never met my comfortable standards. Or maybe subconsciously I knew I wouldn't get a boyfriend because of my circumstances. Grandma always told me to wait until I was older and I didn't want to upset her. I lived to make other people in my house comfortable and happy. I had always thought I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend.

There was a friend of mine one day whom I went to visit and bought a birthday cake for. His name was Jordan. He had friends with him. One in particular I must admit I didn't want to associate with. He seemed like a big jerk. He wore an old brown shirt that day. I paid him no mind at all. There's barely a memory of him stored in my mind.

My brother Andrew joked about meeting the white version of himself. The guy even came over too. I didn't even know - I assume I was in my room probably wasting time doing nothing on the internet.

I always had a feeling the one for me wasn't someone I knew. I felt like he was somewhere far from my mind - but yet I was somehow still very close. My heart was always a little restless in wait.

Andrew came into my life through simply a short day at a coffee shop. I hadn't remembered him at all - but through circumstances i"ll explain later  I'll just say we connected and decided to meet. 

My impression of him was bright red. Like a madness suddenly taking me over. Watching his every move and listening to every word he said made me want to hear more. He was so alert of me and cared about what I said. Such a bright, bright red. Like the blood was rushing through every vein I had. I was always a strong believer in "Love at First Sight"... I had no idea it would feel this powerful. Our fingers are tied by the red thread. If i pushed our hearts together i have no doubt they would be consumed by each other and fuse into one.

There was a confusing moment in our lives recently where we were both a little scared. My period was always on time - maybe a day early or late. Suddenly though, it reached a point where it was already 5 days late. Then 6 days.

I know if I got pregnant now nothing good would come from it. Andrew didn't do well in school so he MUCH go into this job core program by fall 2013 and then finish after two years. I only have one more year of school and i must finish strong so i can get into a university. A baby coming would ruin all of this. I would lose all my freedom as a teen as well.

I shouldn't have felt the way i felt knowing it was late. Each passing day brought me no fear or unhappiness. I was secretly happy. The thought of me having a child with the man of my dreams was all I ever wanted. The man of my dreams IS Andrew. If I had a child with him... He might be forced to stay with me and not leave for Job Core after this summer's end. 

Sometimes I cry thinking of him leaving.... I think about it almost every day. I want to beg him not to go. I want to hug him tightly and tell him to never leave and to stay with me where i can see him forever. My heart panics knowing he's not going to be here. He'll come back for me after two years... but there's always that small uncertainty he wont that scares me.

On a double date recently with my sister and her bf and Andrew, we went to the mall after going to the Portland Art Museum. Andrew and I went with Ciera and Shayne to the jewelers to look at engagement rings. I can't even begin to express the envy I felt towards my sister as I got to see her eyes sparkle at the beautiful rings. The congrats they got from all the people that she told about her pregnancy to.

My period came 9 days late. My disappointment was unavoidable... There was no "little Andrew" to look forward to...

I'll never know the pain of being a meth addict, or the various other problems my sister and Shayne faced. But their fates are tied forever now all just because she became pregnant.  I wish I was you Ciera. You have the certainty of being with the one you love forever. That's all I would ever ask for.

Andrew told me he would love to have a child with me, just not right now. Not while we're still so young. Not while he's still waiting to get his life on a better track. He doesn't like to plan the future at all, which is better i guess. He says planning things like that takes away from the excitement and romance of love.

So while I sit here frustrated and just wanting nothing more than for him to ask me to be his forever, i'll be happy he's waiting for the right moment for everything. Deep down I think we both know we'll be together forever - we're just letting it happen naturally. I can't help but love him for that. I'm the balloon trying to float away from reality and just grabbing the sky as quickly as I can, and he's the weight holding me to the ground and slowing me down so i can remember to enjoy my ride there.

We pop up with little plans about the future here and there... It overjoys me that he takes those plans into his mind and doesn't reject my ideas.

Maybe this blog post has helped me come to terms with my disappointment. I feel so much better about not having everything happen right now.

Something I Don't Want to Forget

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The Pain

I love my boyfriend. He's absolutely amazing. I have a huge list of all the things I like about him - and I add more all the time. He loves me more than anything and I can say with my whole heart I feel just the same - maybe more. Sometimes though, I cry. He was not the first person to steal my heart. 

I made a promise two years ago with my first love named Arthur. We spent a whole summer crushing on each other like the cute teenagers we were. He was the sexy island boy and I was the boss' daughter who had a humor and nice face.

We talked so much. We connected. Fished. Went boating. Went out with our families knowing we'd see each other. It was amazing. Trapped on an island with the boy I liked for the whole summer.

Sad thing is, we waited one week before I left to go back to America to finally admit we had serious feelings for each other. 

That one week he was sad. That one week I was pained to leave. For just that one week we felt horrible. But for that one week, we stayed up for hours talking. Sending long paragraphs of messages at 3am. Just to read his thoughts. I wanted to sneak out to see him, but he knew I would get in trouble.

I really believe we loved each other.

We made a promise. When the time came after I left, he would break all communication with me. He wanted me to experience other loves so I could see what it was like to be in a relationship - so we dont burn out when we start dating. He promised he would come back for me. He promised to marry me. Even if I was with someone else he'd break us up so we could be together.

I told him yes, but that I didn't think I could love anyone else but him. I loved him. A lot.

He broke my heart three months after I left. I knew it was going to happen - but I wasn't ready yet! I sent him so many messages, expressed so much of my feelings... cried. Became depressed. Got angry. I was so upset.

I would decide to just go with his wishes and not talk to him... but then I would come back. He ignored me after a while.

What made it more painful was the thought that this wasn't part of "the plan." He had said I was being annoying. He said we were too young to know about love. He told me things that still hurt.

I don't think his promise is in effect anymore. I think maybe all this was just a pretty dream that turned into a nightmare. But here I am, dreaming sweet dreams again with my new boyfriend Andrew. It took me two years to get over the pain.

Andrew is my everything. The reason. The reality. If I could open my heart and just connect it to his I would. I'd take a bullet for him. A proclamation of my love for him would never be enough to express my heart or the things I would do for him. Anything - everything!

I shed a few tears alone today...

My email syncs all my information to my phone.

Once upon a time I had asked Arthur to send me a list of all the songs in his ipod. He made an email account just for me and sent me the whole list. I was elated.

Originally I had deleted everything from him. Email, facebook, and phone number. Gone. But when I went through my phone... it was there. His name. His number. His email. The memories rushed back like lightning...

I'm so afraid. I haven't been there in two years. In less than two weeks I have to go back and see my parents...

I'm praying he comes, but I'm praying more that he doesn't.

I would cry for sure.

So Here I Am, Thinking. I left my jounal of thoughts upstairs. Too lazy to get up...

      I have a paper to write and math to do, but honestly it is all beyond me right now. I really don't want to do it! I doubt this is going to even be all that exciting for other people to read. I just have to say; there is a very great and simple pleasure in just sitting around listening to Neon Trees and Maroon 5. Who knows, Weezer might even just pop up on here and thrill me. Heaven forbid the Red Hot Chili Peppers never show.
      I had a really good friend back in elementary school, somehow I remember all my childhood friends from that time really well. I saw the sweetst people turn into pot-smoking fakes. Well anyways, I'm talking about my friend Sandra Hales. She's still pretty cool as far as I'm concerned, just a little different facial wise. I look at her face and somehow I dont get pulled into my memories like I do when I don't see her photo. I had always imagined her different for some reason.  She's still a really beautiful girl though, don't get me wrong.
      I feel so left out of the loop. I know I don't NEED a boyfriend and I currently don't think I'm holding any strong feelings for anyone in particular, but when I see all my friends in a relationship I just can't help but feel envious. I keep telling myself that God is saving me for someone good, and also I tell myself "love is patient, love is kind.... " ect ect.

           Hey God, Lord Almighty, I'm still waiting!!! 

Where Am I?

It's been about... 4 or 5 years now since I left my home with my mom. I lived a depressed life too much for a 11 year old. Mom wasn't doing well with life, and I feel I suffered along with her. Here and now, I work hard on my school work (as MUCH as I can), I take charge in my life, and I just... try hard. I wanna do GOOD.

If I had stayed with my mom.... how would I have turned out? Would I be just like my mom. And I'd lose all hope in myself I assume.